An Open Letter

Julius,

Hi, I haven't talked to you for quite some time right now and i miss you so much. I always told myself that I have fallen in love with the same guy over and over again for two years now, and I just didn't realize that it's actually four years! haha Pathetic as it may sound, but it's true. But there has to be a point in life when you wonder whether you're in love with the person or in love with the feeling of love itself. Am I still in love with you? Or just in the idea of loving you? You know, you never really walked with me. I mean metaphorically. You made no efforts at all, I always made the first move and it's quite shameful to realize what have I have done out of love. But you have to know, people who's in love do crazy, weird things. I haven't regret it though, at some point I thought you've already fallen for me. The way you hold my hands, not talking just staying still. The way you look at me, all those thoughtful things you did. You made me laugh whenever we're together, there was never a dull moment with you. But I was wrong, of course. I must have read the signs wrong. I wander to many places, but still I keep coming back to the place where I left you, thinking, this time you'll walk with me and me alone. But every time I do, you seem to be lost in thoughts. It's as if you're mind was present somewhere else. You haven't noticed me at all, as if I'm not existing. You kept on looking to something, or looking FOR something. Then she came, and you went with her. All the the efforts that I made we're put into trash, just like that. It tore me apart, devastated as hell. But no way I'm giving up. Then one day, she left you. I don't want to be happy, but I won't deny that I feel glad. Not for your despair, because I'm telling you I don't want you to get hurt, but because this time I might have a chance. I ran as fast as I can, but I was already too late. Someone had already found you before I did. She saved you from the heart aches, and I saw that you were happy. Too happy, you haven't notice me standing right behind her. And this time, I was the one who stepped back and ran away. Not that I don't care, no, I cared too much for you. They said, one point of loving is letting the person you love be happy even if you're not included. So that's what I did. I left you with her, got along with my life and moved on. You have to know, that you have broken my heart. I was shattered to pieces, I was thinking will I ever be fixed? I ran miles and miles away. I kept my distance from you, I want you to realize that somehow you missed me. Time passed by, I witnessed how happy you are. But all of sudden, she left you. You were left alone, again. I thought that I have already moved on, but as you may have guessed, I came back. I came back for you. I wasn't there by your side, but I know you know that you could always count on me. At that moment, I made a promise to God. I won't ask again for you ever. I just want Him to make you happy. I'm contented that you remembered me at times of despair and loneliness, that even though I couldn't understand fully what you feel, you remembered to find comfort with me. Sorry, if secretly, I'm in love with you still. But not that same amount i felt before. You were a part of me, and will always be. Don't feel sorry if you've hurt me. It was my fault, I should've know better. But no regrets. It was a roller coaster ride with you, but I enjoyed it a lot. I will never ever forget. Have a nice life. :)

Always,
Blanch